O and B loved the swing and the bouncer. R does not like either--ever. Today, R does not like anything. She doesn't like nursing or being held in my arms let alone the wrap. She has been crying off and on all morning since she woke at about 6 am. This is after a night of waking every hour and a half. Lord knows I feel like a failure enough because for some reason I cannot make my baby happy today.
Do you know what the worst thing is? No matter what I do, I will feel guilty. The internet, I think, has made it worse on moms today. I can't put my almost-4 week old down and let her cry. Some people say it causes mistrust and brain damage. Don't want that to happen! So I hold her or try to appease her all day long.
But what about my other two kids? They want my attention, too! My toddler, who will be 16 months old in 3 days, still wants to be held, cuddled, played with, and read to. My three year old keeps acting out more and more to get attention. I try my best, but with a baby in my arms or strapped to my chest, it's not easy to give either of my other two kids undivided attention when we are all home alone during the day. I feel trapped in the house because dragging three kids everywhere is a huge production involving strollers, strategically maneuvering in the car, and a floppy head that needs to be supported constantly. And Lord knows all anyone ever has is ADVICE. Here, try this. Do this. How about this? Your three year old is acting out? Clearly she needs more one-on-one time from the mom who is home alone and feels over-extended as is. The mom who missed breakfast and JUST ate lunch at 1pm, who needs the calories to make breast milk to feed the cranky infant, by the way. Oh and she hasn't brushed her teeth yet so if you do come over, stand down wind.
And oh, by the way, our mothers and grandmothers did the same thing that you are doing. How do you think they survived? If they can do it, so can you! Let's really lather on that mom-guilt to make you feel like you are inadequate. Also, they did this all while maintaining a nice house and making dinner each night. No matter that your grandmother is also the same person to tell you to put the baby down and let her cry because it will help them develop their lungs, which contradicts the research now that says your baby needs to trust you and you can't let them cry long by themselves. See where I am going with this? No matter what I do, some Mom-Nazi out there will think I'm doing it wrong. They'll have the solutions that will save my kids from any trauma I might cause them to suffer. They think I haven't thought of THIS solution, the one that will miraculously solve all of my problems. Oh and don't forget the kicker: "Enjoy this time, it's so short and one day you will miss it and regret not enjoying it more."
And oh, by the way, our mothers and grandmothers did the same thing that you are doing. How do you think they survived? If they can do it, so can you! Let's really lather on that mom-guilt to make you feel like you are inadequate. Also, they did this all while maintaining a nice house and making dinner each night. No matter that your grandmother is also the same person to tell you to put the baby down and let her cry because it will help them develop their lungs, which contradicts the research now that says your baby needs to trust you and you can't let them cry long by themselves. See where I am going with this? No matter what I do, some Mom-Nazi out there will think I'm doing it wrong. They'll have the solutions that will save my kids from any trauma I might cause them to suffer. They think I haven't thought of THIS solution, the one that will miraculously solve all of my problems. Oh and don't forget the kicker: "Enjoy this time, it's so short and one day you will miss it and regret not enjoying it more."
For all of the solutions that other moms will offer, very few of them will offer a solution that involves me feeling like a human being. I look in the mirror and see a very tired, out of shape woman whose body has nourished and grown a human being, just to be left all used up. That's how I feel. Used up. Like a tube of toothpaste when you squeeze in the middle and it becomes lumpy and misshapen.
I know that I will survive. I know we will get in a routine and this time is fleeting. But until that point, I'm just slowly going to lose my sanity. It might take me a while to get it back.
