Today Was a Win

Most days, especially in the past year or so, do not feel like I was successful. I survive, at best. We get up, go through our routine, I try to smile as much as possible and not screw my kids up in some way that will require hours with a therapist in their adulthood, and we kiss goodnight while I hope for a better tomorrow. These ages are insane, at times. Having 4 kids ages 6 and under is the biggest challenge of my life. At one point, I felt like I was good at almost anything that truly mattered. I did well in school. Most subjects were pretty easy for me and if I didn't do well, it's because I didn't try hard enough. I never really had to study before college (that was kind of a challenge, learning to study, but once I figured it out things got much easier), and most grades that weren't excellent were because I rushed through or wasn't paying attention.  I thought that whatever I wanted to do, I would be great at it.

Somehow, things change as we grow into adulthood. I met a guy and suddenly my priorities changed. We got married and sooner than we had planned, we were parents! I decided in my heart that being there for them was what I truly wanted. I wanted to be the one to see all of the firsts. It was me who would nurture and care for them. I'd save us money on daycare by staying home with them and raising them. Within a few more years, there were 4 kids in our home. (Before you ask, yes, we wanted four kids, and we got what we wanted). I love those kids and every single hair on their tiny little heads. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel like I've been defeated. I would love to say it's not the kids, but when the baby has been crying all day and the middle two decide to fight one another and wake the baby who just fell asleep, well....it's definitely the kids. But a lot of it is also on me.

Lately, my thoughts take me in to very dark, dismal places. I know it's probably postpartum depression, but the thoughts of what I expected my life to be like and what actually is are so differing. I went from being judged on my brains and how much I know to how clean my house is. And I know a lot of it is my own judgment, but I'm sure there are people who look and think "how does a stay at home mom not keep everything organized?" Yeah, I'm not sure either, quite honestly. I try all day long, every day. I don't sit down between running between the children, feeding hungry faces, and cleaning, and yet the mess seems never ending. I do make them help quite a bit, and the progress is at best minimal. I dream that in a couple of years we will hit a sweet spot where they will actually be helpful and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment from aiding me, right before they reach the age where they resent my asking. There is so much that I believe that I am failing. I feel like raising them is the actual most important thing I will ever do and some nights I sit beside my husband in tears and ask him "what if I am getting this all wrong? What if I mess them up for life?" I feel like I don't deserve the beautiful, funny, actually-pretty-well-behaved-a-decent-amount-of-the-time children that I have been given. My perception is that everything I have tried to accomplish has failed and that my kids would be better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me. The thought has crossed my mind that if I got in to a car and just kept driving, their worlds would keep spinning and maybe someone better would come and take my place and do it all right.

However, this is going to change. My resolution this new year had no actual weight loss and workout goals. That will come later and it's not where my focus absolutely has to be at this moment. No, my focus is going to be on positivity. Our days do not often go entirely as planned, but my perception of the day should not be affected by the things that went wrong. I am the one who can change my day and make it better.

Today, I could dwell on the things I did not succeed in. Caleb cried a lot today. In fact, I don't believe he actually napped for more than 30 minutes in one blissful session, even though I spent a good portion of my day trying to soothe and rock him. Instead, I will praise the fact that I finished moving clothes from one bedroom to the next and made room for all of the new toys in the kids' rooms!

I could dwell on the fact that I had my foot crushed by the Rock N Play again because someone pushed it over my foot and stepped on it, or that I was bashed in the head twice by a hard headed 3 year old boy who wanted to see what I was doing, or that I burned myself on a grate in the oven for the second time in a week (yeah, I really did, and it really friggin hurts). Instead, I am going to relish in the fact that I used a recipe to put a new twist on an old favorite for our family, and the kids each ate 2 helpings of dinner. I never would have thought of putting squash in to a quesadilla but what do you know? They loved it!

I could dwell on the fact that the kitten in my bathroom has to stay in there most of the day for right now because he hates the dog, and my senior cat hates the kitten. He cries every time he hears the kids or me make a sound, whether it is midnight, 4am, or 4pm. Instead, I will enjoy the fact that while he is loose in the bedroom with me, he curls up on my lap and sits with me while purring up a storm. My almost-4 year old little boy is so gentle with him most of the time that it makes my heart warm.

I could also dwell on the fact that I didn't review my daughter's numbers as much as we should have during our Christmas break, and now we have to work hard to get back to where we were before. Instead, I will celebrate that she read all of the words on the first two pages of her "Learn to Read" book! Of course, she did promptly tell me that she knew how to read now and I didn't need to teach her anymore. I proceeded to write a sentence and ask her to read it to me. She said "oh....I don't know." I responded that there was still so much to learn. She sighed and told me "I don't know these things yet, momma. I've never done this before."

Today was a win because even though I had to put the baby down and walk away for a moment, I didn't dissolve in to a flood of tears and feel like I was an awful mother. Even though the middle children fought, no one actually got hit today with a toy (not for like of trying on the 2 year old's part). Even though the second child asked questions repetitively, hoping to hear the response he wanted instead of the one I kept giving, I answered with more patience than I had in the past few days. I made meals that were nutritious for my kids and were safe for the food allergies. For the moment, everyone is healthy and well as we are all over the awful cold we had previously.

So much of today was a struggle, but I am not going to be the person who dwells on that any longer. I want my children to look back and see that their mom loved what she did. It isn't easy, but I want to find joy in my work. This is my job and exactly where I want to be at this moment, and so from here on out, through the tiredness, the pain, and the tears, I will find the good.