Today Was a Win

Most days, especially in the past year or so, do not feel like I was successful. I survive, at best. We get up, go through our routine, I try to smile as much as possible and not screw my kids up in some way that will require hours with a therapist in their adulthood, and we kiss goodnight while I hope for a better tomorrow. These ages are insane, at times. Having 4 kids ages 6 and under is the biggest challenge of my life. At one point, I felt like I was good at almost anything that truly mattered. I did well in school. Most subjects were pretty easy for me and if I didn't do well, it's because I didn't try hard enough. I never really had to study before college (that was kind of a challenge, learning to study, but once I figured it out things got much easier), and most grades that weren't excellent were because I rushed through or wasn't paying attention.  I thought that whatever I wanted to do, I would be great at it.

Somehow, things change as we grow into adulthood. I met a guy and suddenly my priorities changed. We got married and sooner than we had planned, we were parents! I decided in my heart that being there for them was what I truly wanted. I wanted to be the one to see all of the firsts. It was me who would nurture and care for them. I'd save us money on daycare by staying home with them and raising them. Within a few more years, there were 4 kids in our home. (Before you ask, yes, we wanted four kids, and we got what we wanted). I love those kids and every single hair on their tiny little heads. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel like I've been defeated. I would love to say it's not the kids, but when the baby has been crying all day and the middle two decide to fight one another and wake the baby who just fell asleep, well....it's definitely the kids. But a lot of it is also on me.

Lately, my thoughts take me in to very dark, dismal places. I know it's probably postpartum depression, but the thoughts of what I expected my life to be like and what actually is are so differing. I went from being judged on my brains and how much I know to how clean my house is. And I know a lot of it is my own judgment, but I'm sure there are people who look and think "how does a stay at home mom not keep everything organized?" Yeah, I'm not sure either, quite honestly. I try all day long, every day. I don't sit down between running between the children, feeding hungry faces, and cleaning, and yet the mess seems never ending. I do make them help quite a bit, and the progress is at best minimal. I dream that in a couple of years we will hit a sweet spot where they will actually be helpful and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment from aiding me, right before they reach the age where they resent my asking. There is so much that I believe that I am failing. I feel like raising them is the actual most important thing I will ever do and some nights I sit beside my husband in tears and ask him "what if I am getting this all wrong? What if I mess them up for life?" I feel like I don't deserve the beautiful, funny, actually-pretty-well-behaved-a-decent-amount-of-the-time children that I have been given. My perception is that everything I have tried to accomplish has failed and that my kids would be better off without me. Everyone would be better off without me. The thought has crossed my mind that if I got in to a car and just kept driving, their worlds would keep spinning and maybe someone better would come and take my place and do it all right.

However, this is going to change. My resolution this new year had no actual weight loss and workout goals. That will come later and it's not where my focus absolutely has to be at this moment. No, my focus is going to be on positivity. Our days do not often go entirely as planned, but my perception of the day should not be affected by the things that went wrong. I am the one who can change my day and make it better.

Today, I could dwell on the things I did not succeed in. Caleb cried a lot today. In fact, I don't believe he actually napped for more than 30 minutes in one blissful session, even though I spent a good portion of my day trying to soothe and rock him. Instead, I will praise the fact that I finished moving clothes from one bedroom to the next and made room for all of the new toys in the kids' rooms!

I could dwell on the fact that I had my foot crushed by the Rock N Play again because someone pushed it over my foot and stepped on it, or that I was bashed in the head twice by a hard headed 3 year old boy who wanted to see what I was doing, or that I burned myself on a grate in the oven for the second time in a week (yeah, I really did, and it really friggin hurts). Instead, I am going to relish in the fact that I used a recipe to put a new twist on an old favorite for our family, and the kids each ate 2 helpings of dinner. I never would have thought of putting squash in to a quesadilla but what do you know? They loved it!

I could dwell on the fact that the kitten in my bathroom has to stay in there most of the day for right now because he hates the dog, and my senior cat hates the kitten. He cries every time he hears the kids or me make a sound, whether it is midnight, 4am, or 4pm. Instead, I will enjoy the fact that while he is loose in the bedroom with me, he curls up on my lap and sits with me while purring up a storm. My almost-4 year old little boy is so gentle with him most of the time that it makes my heart warm.

I could also dwell on the fact that I didn't review my daughter's numbers as much as we should have during our Christmas break, and now we have to work hard to get back to where we were before. Instead, I will celebrate that she read all of the words on the first two pages of her "Learn to Read" book! Of course, she did promptly tell me that she knew how to read now and I didn't need to teach her anymore. I proceeded to write a sentence and ask her to read it to me. She said "oh....I don't know." I responded that there was still so much to learn. She sighed and told me "I don't know these things yet, momma. I've never done this before."

Today was a win because even though I had to put the baby down and walk away for a moment, I didn't dissolve in to a flood of tears and feel like I was an awful mother. Even though the middle children fought, no one actually got hit today with a toy (not for like of trying on the 2 year old's part). Even though the second child asked questions repetitively, hoping to hear the response he wanted instead of the one I kept giving, I answered with more patience than I had in the past few days. I made meals that were nutritious for my kids and were safe for the food allergies. For the moment, everyone is healthy and well as we are all over the awful cold we had previously.

So much of today was a struggle, but I am not going to be the person who dwells on that any longer. I want my children to look back and see that their mom loved what she did. It isn't easy, but I want to find joy in my work. This is my job and exactly where I want to be at this moment, and so from here on out, through the tiredness, the pain, and the tears, I will find the good.

Hanging up my Super Woman cape

If you were to ask me how the last 3 weeks have gone, this picture is a pretty good representation.

Since Daddy has been gone, everyone in this house has gone flippin' NUTS.

I've been kicked, yelled at, directly disobeyed, and covered in you-don't-want-to-know-what. I've dealt with allergies for children AND a pet as well as numerous doctor's visits for kids and the same said pet with allergies. My phone died for a few days and internet went out for a few hours, making me feel entirely trapped in a house with 4 tiny people depending on me. I've been kept up nearly every single night by at least one person who refuses to sleep. It's usually the boys, honestly. If I think maybe they are so tired I can sneak a nap in the afternoon, a different child will make sure that doesn't happen. Many nights Caleb goes through a colic-y phase. It's usually when I have to make dinner. During the colic spell he doesn't want to be in the baby carriers. He wants to be held and rocked and bounced all at once. The problem with this is he's quite heavy, and it's pretty much impossible to hold him and cook dinner. So instead I rock a sobbing baby in the Rock N Play while cooking dinner, taking breaks to try to give him a paci or hold him for a moment. Barrett...well I posted about him once before. He's 3, and he has skin problems. He screams a lot. He kicks hard, even when sometimes he isn't fully awake. The girls are dramatic and sensitive. Rosalie's sass is immeasurable at times. Thank God for Olivia and her willingness to be a helper. I really don't know what I did to deserve her. Yesterday she tried so hard to keep her baby brother happy while I quickly bathed the middle two kids and took all of the trash to the road for pick-up.

I thought I could be super woman and handle it all solo for 3 weeks. I was so very wrong. I have never felt like such a loser and a failure before. Changes in routine make kids crazy anyway. Throw in a 2 month old baby, various skin reactions for various members of the household, and postpartum hormones, and oh my gosh. I'm not super woman. Thank goodness for the nights when mom could stay and help or watch the kids so I could go to the store. I'm so thankful that our sunday school leader had people help take care of my yard so HOA wouldn't jump on my back for something I could never have taken care of on my own. Thank God for the Sunday school classmate. who made dinner for us one night. I can't wait for tomorrow when I go pick my husband up from the airport and my other half is back. I don't know how single parents do it all the time. You guys are amazing. It's one thing to know your husband is coming home at the end of the day and you have a partner again. It's another when you know that at the end of the day, it's still just you who has to do it all.

I usually try to post the funny, light-hearted, clever moments in my day. There haven't been a lot of those in the past couple of weeks. I'm so tired but there are still 4 children awake and making noise in this house. I could go upstairs and try to get them to calm down again, but for what? It'd be the millionth time in the past few weeks and in 5 minutes I'd have to do it again.

And dear HEAVENS if anyone thinks they have the magical solution to all of my problems, please, I beg you, keep it to yourself. I don't need your solutions. I just needed to say it all out loud. These past few weeks, in short, have sucked. Please just pray for us. One more night and I may finally get a decent night's sleep. And when my house finally feels whole again and everyone is calming down, I just may allow myself some time to cry alone.

There's a potty in the van!

I have a love/hate relationship with the place I currently live. 

Things I love: it's close to family. I grew up here so I know where almost everything is, good church with great people, and we have a nice homeschool group. 

Things I do not love: traffic and crazy people. They often go hand in hand. 

So yesterday....

I was driving from my house to my parents' house. Everywhere I go feels like it is on a time limit lately. Not only do 4 small children have short fuses, I have a 3 year old who recently potty trained and doesn't always realize he has to go until it's almost too late. He also doesn't like using strange bathrooms. There was an incident where he kind of fell in at Toys R Us. It was NOT on my watch. Hence, we have a potty in the van. It's simultaneously the most disgusting and ingenious idea ever. Whoever told me to have a potty in the van, I can't remember exactly who it was, but THANK YOU! 

So I'm on the way to my mom and dad's house on a 4 lane road that has this median in the middle. Two teenage dudes are walking down it with their back toward me. One of them steps off of the median and starts walking in my lane. IN MY LANE!! And here I am about 5 seconds from plowing in to his behind! Luckily for him (and my windshield) I had just checked my blind spot and there was no one nearby, so I swerved in to the other lane and missed his sorry butt. 

My first thought was not "thank God I missed that poor, stupid teenager and spared his skinny life." No. It was "thank God I didn't hit that kid because I really do not want to have to sit here with all the kids in the car while we wait for the cops and ambulance." 

That sounds awful I know. I care about people I really do.

I also had this image in my head of a police officer coming up to question me as I hold my three year old on the portable car potty and telling him "sorry officer! I'll be with you in a moment! My kid has to pee pee." 

That's where my priorities are lately. If it's me alone running errands with all 4 kids and the oldest yells "I have to potty!" it becomes a panic situation. I will yell "can you hold it for 10 minutes?" And then debate silently if I can make it home quicker than I can get everyone in to whatever the nearest business is with a public restroom. Trust me, it's often quicker to get home. "Have them go before you leave the house!" you say. Well, I do. But tiny bladders are just that--tiny. And sometimes a 30 minutes trip out of the house will still result in one panicked situation of needing the bathroom asap.

And this is why I drink coffee. Because if I had been less aware of some guy stepping in to the direct path of my vehicle and been a little slower, I would have had to give my testimony to a police officer while holding a kid on a portable potty on the side of a fairly busy road. 

The Leash

A mother's mind really is almost always on her children. It's amazing how in those brief moments of peace we reflect on things that happened as recently as an hour ago or as far back as the day we learned we were pregnant. I was reflecting in such a way just earlier as I sat in the shower. Yes, I said sat. Those lovely gremlins have once again so lovingly shared their germs with me and whatever I have caught is exhausting! So I was quite literally sitting in the shower with hot water pouring on me. It was lovely and the perfect spot for thinking. 

Who knows why precisely our minds go to certain points in our lives. I was thinking of an upcoming appointment where I would need to drag all three children with me in the near future, and remembering something a nurse had said. In that particular instance, I had been wearing my youngest in my Infantino Sash and leading my then eighteen month old in to the exam room. She was admiring my baby carrier and remarked "that is a much better idea than putting your child on a leash!" I just smiled as I sat down in a chair, but I had a dirty little secret--I had once tried a leash on my oldest. 

Once upon a time, when the oldest--now four--was about 18 months herself, I bought a harness for a toddler. She was so sneaky that she would wait until I felt secure and my hand wasn't quite as tightly around hers as required to keep her with me, then she would wrench her hand away and run! She thought it was a very fun game until she got caught. I, meanwhile, endured the looks of people who probably thought that I couldn't handle my child and needed to keep closer watch over her. I became pregnant with my second and then the running was not as easy. I had to find a solution. With some encouragement, I went to Target and bought a cute little harness that looked like a monkey. How perfect, I thought. Her favorite stuffed animal was--and still is--a monkey. This might not be so bad. 

We brought it home and I showed her the new harness. Wasn't the monkey cute? She thought so. Mommy carried a backpack sometimes, wouldn't she like one too? Yes! And in my head, since her car seat had a harness that buckled, this might not be so bad!

I decided on a trial run. I put her arms in the straps, and she at first just watched curiously. The moment the chest buckle snapped, however, it was as if my toddler was transformed in to a savage beast! She bucked and screamed! She rolled on the floor and tried to pull it off. Attempts to get her to calm down were in vain, as she was so loud that she couldn't even hear me. And then she just lay on the floor crying for a time. It was quite like trying to walk a cat. 

I took the harness off and have never been able to get her to even put her arms in the straps again.  Anytime I approached her with it she would scream and run off. Somehow, the trend of her trying to escape ended not long after. Maybe I became better at engaging her interest in a store. Perhaps she realized that mommy's hand was much better than a harness that looked like a monkey. Maybe she understood that mommy was getting too large and uncomfortable to give chase in a Walmart. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that I didn't have to endure the judgmental stares for too much longer. Now I just receive looks of shock or pity, or comments about having three children under 5, but that's a topic for another time. 

To the Gym!

I used to totally advocate working out at home. It's convenient and cost effective, you do it whenever you want without having to drive anywhere, and no one else has to see you sweat and jump around like a crazy person. I easily exercised at home with my first, and then again right after my second.

However, Baby #3 has changed a lot of things. For instance, I do not get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep most nights.. I can no longer sit down and eat a meal without someone on my lap eating as well (be it her or the second child). The third one caused my hips to pop out of the location that they are supposed to be in and make things uncomfortable. And most importantly, neither of the two children that nap are ever napping at the same time. I don't know how I got the first two on the same schedule so easily and I cannot get the third child to stick to that same schedule, but I fear I may have met someone who is almost as stubborn as I am. I said almost. I still will win. So put in to the fact that I have had no sleep, I am always wrestling at least one kid, and by the time they are all in bed I am exhausted, working out at home was becoming less of a reality. A 30 minute workout was doable some days, but with the hip and eventually back pain I was having, my programs were really too intense to keep up with. A lovely walk around the neighborhood sounded like a great idea, until I realized the reality of getting all 3 kids dressed (and get them to keep their clothes on for longer than 10 minutes), putting one in the stroller, wearing the youngest, and convincing the oldest that really, you aren't tired. Keep going! We have barely gone a quarter of a mile!

I finally bit the bullet and joined a gym. I checked them out last week and then yesterday, after the Physical Therapist said walking and yoga were great exercises I could do, I bought a membership for nine months. I totally bought 9 months up front. Why? Because I am CHEAP and if I spent money somewhere like that, I sure as tootin' am going to use it. And then by September I am going to be so addicted to going to the gym it won't be a problem to keep going. And with free childcare for an hour or more, it was almost impossible to resist. So I went in today. I was carrying an eight month old in her carseat in one hand, an almost-2 year old in the other, and had the 4 year old hold on to my shirt in the back. We looked like some freaky carnival ride I am sure. I toted all of my children to that blessed child care room and signed them in, giving the workers the heads up that there is an epi pen in the middle kid's bag, should he need it (God I hope not! They have a no food rule). And then, suddenly, I was free.

I was kind of expecting a beam of light to break through in to the gym with a chorus of angel voices. Instead, I heard the steady hum  of machines and saw mirrors. So. Many. Mirrors. I had noticed them before, but now they were rather intimidating. They were EVERYWHERE. The walls were mirrors. As someone who doesn't really study herself in the mirror and just tries to avoid looking at her completely ruined middle section in general, it was scary. I tried to avoid looking as much as possible and found a treadmill in the very middle of all of the machines.

It took me way too long to remember how a treadmill worked. Why must they all be different? I put on the emergency clip, that I noticed several people were neglecting to use, and started pushing buttons. I figured "Go" might be a good place to start, and low and behold it started moving. And then I remembered I had brought my iPod, so I shut it back off, put my iPod on, and spent a good five minutes trying to remember what my exercise play list was called. It's called "5K," for the record. That means my play list is from Summer 2013, when I ran a 5k. I need an update. I finally got all adjusted and turned on the treadmill again. I got it up to a nice speed and started walking. Ahhhhh. Walking. Without anyone screaming at me that their shoe fell off. Or asking to go home and drink water. To say it was nice was an understatement. How can something so simple as walking on a treadmill in a gym be so wonderful??

Now while walking and not fighting children, I did have a lot of time to observe. And here is what I noticed:

Some ladies wear make up to the gym. I didn't even think of makeup this morning.

Straight haired people have it easy. My hair band fell out of my hair exactly five times before I gave up and put it in my jacket pocket. The curly frizziness could not be contained. Many of the women there were working out and their hair stayed in place. Lucky.

Gyms are hot. Being filled with sweaty people, this really isn't a surprise. But what was a surprise was this button that said "Fan" on my treadmill. IT BLEW COOL AIR!! Did you know that treadmills did this now? I had no idea! The ones I have used in the past just went forward and at an incline!

Running when your Physical Therapist said walk is not a good idea. She said walk for a reason. Don't tell on me, please. I'm sure she'll figure it out tomorrow anyway.

The elliptical will go when you start moving. They don't automatically turn on. I learned this after pushing multiple buttons and going to get a staff member to help me "turn it on." I had even gone to multiple machines thinking that something was wrong with the first one. Maybe the second one, too. I really hope no one noticed. I bet they did.

Weights can be mysteriously missing. I did not see a single person using a 10 pound weight, nor did I see one anywhere else in the area. And yet all but one single solitaire 10 pound free weight was gone.

Using one weight at a time makes me feel off-balanced. This is probably more of a mental thing.

Trainers can take pictures of you exercising. I do not need this service, thank you. In fact, very rarely am I going to take a "gym selfie." No one wants to see my messed up hair, with no makeup, all sweaty. Even I don't want to see me like that. Yikes!

An hour goes very quickly. Right at 55 minutes I went to go get my children ready to go. Since #3 is under a year, they will only keep her for an hour at a time. Still, an hour of exercise is better than none! I will definitely be returning to the gym. And not only because I paid for it, but because it was me time. Every mom needs some "me" time.

It's the Little Things

I am sure, based on the title, that you think I am going to talk about the little things that my kids do that make me feel appreciated and loved. Maybe you think I'll talk about the little fingers and toes, the little faces with big, bright eyes and cheesy grins. The few times my kids put their dishes or toys away without even having to be asked. Or maybe it's the little things that my husband does for me that make me swoon over how great of a spouse he is? He is a great spouse. Maybe you think the little things are how he will rub my back if I walked around a store with all three kids in tow, always carrying one because I was stubborn and decided an errand couldn't wait until he got home, and I am sore at the end of the day. Those are wonderful massages, after all!

But the little things that matter here are really these: the things that a stay-at-home (or even a working mom!) does for herself.

I have read it and heard it several times. I have been the one to say it myself. "I am so overwhelmed. I need a break. I am exhausted, rundown, and I'm tired of the screaming and crying." As a mom and a wife, you try to put everyone else first all of the time. You are trying to keep everyone alive, fed, clean, and mostly happy. If you have more than one child, the job is even more daunting. So what can you do to make sure you keep your sanity and feel like a human being?

For one, take a shower. For goodness sake, just jump in the shower for ten minutes. Before I had my first child, I read a lot of stories of women not taking showers for days. I thought it was crazy! They smell of poop and spit-up. Their hair is messy and disorganized. They say they don't have the time. After my daughter came, I fell in to that trap for a bit. I have this human being in my house is so utterly needy, she has acid reflux and rarely is happy. Every time I put her down alone she cries. And then I remembered a key thing: I'm not parenting alone! I have this handy thing called a husband! So he would get home from work, I'd hand the baby off, and I would go stand in the hot shower for a bit. It is amazing how human a good shower can make a person feel. And maybe your husband isn't home much or you aren't married. Bouncers are a great invention! Bouncers, swings, play yards with a few baby safe toys, even nap time can be used to your advantage. If you have a baby who just won't go to sleep and you have tried everything, maybe the sound of water in a warm bathroom will help lull them to sleep. That trick has worked for me before!

Secondly, go to the store alone. With small children, you know there is a time limit to how much you can get done at the store before someone loses their mind. If it's the infant, maybe she will get fussy. The toddler might decide he is tired of sitting in the seat and start yelling while yanking the seat belt and trying to stand. The preschooler will eventually start taunting her toddler brother. Maybe you usually call your husband and say "on your way home, can you stop by the store and grab a carton of milk?" instead of dragging the kids out of the house. Instead, maybe wait until your spouse gets home and then say "by the way, I need a few things at the store. The kids are all changed, just make sure they survive while I'm gone. Be back soon!" And RUN! Before any of them can figure out that you have your purse and car keys in your hand, bolt for the door. Ignore the sobs of the toddler behind you as he figures out what is going on. He will be fine in two minutes, I swear. He will find that car and start pushing it around the floor and be completely content in to your return. The main point here is, don't turn back. If you forgot your cellphone, you'll be okay for 20 minutes without it. Heck, sometimes it's even nice to get out and be unavailable for a bit. It's just a quick run to the store.

Another suggestion I have for you is exercise. I know what you are thinking. "I run after children all day, I think I have exercised enough. We played ball and I had to wrestle squirmy little people in to pajamas." But that's not what I mean. Whether it's something extreme, a moderate cardio workout, or just going for a walk around your neighborhood, try to get the heart pumping a little more each day. It's nice to get a little sweat going that isn't based on anxiety! And it's good for you. We moms spend our entire days making sure everyone is healthy, but we need to set the example that mommy is worth taking care of too. So get up, and get moving. Also, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy....and do I really need to finish this quote?

Next, buy a bra. Oh my goodness I am talking to myself so much with this one. You've been wearing that exact same nursing bra for four years, since you had your first child. The wire is starting to poke through. But, your kid REALLY wants that pair of shoes that light up. Or maybe they want some more bath toys. Either way, you have been putting off buying yourself something that you want or maybe even desperately need. I did this for a long time. Until quite literally I was being poked in the sternum by the most uncomfortable wire in the history of wires poking people. That was when I broke down and went bra shopping. And I felt so guilty. I really could have used that money to buy an extra birthday gift for my daughter's upcoming birthday. She already had several gifts wrapped and hidden in the back of my closet, but I had just thought of something else that would be really cool. Well, stop it. I'm not saying to not buy your kids something they need. I'm saying that once in a while, buy yourself something you need before you buy something that they want. And oh my goodness, the moment I put on and wore a new bra that wasn't stabbing me and making me more cranky, the moment the guilt faded away.

Finally, read something that doesn't rhyme. I don't care if it's a magazine, a newspaper, or a good book. Sometimes reading something that doesn't have nonsense words or rhyme is refreshing. Have you lost count of how many times you have read Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? I sure have. My kids think it is great that I can make the same sounds Mr. Brown can make, and they will mimic me as I read. It's a fun book, the first 100 times you read it. But how about, when the kids are all quiet or asleep, reading something meant for adults? Stimulate your brain a little bit. Maybe you loathe reading books. So pick up a hobby! If you are a crafty individual, bless you because I am not. Do some crafts that don't involve glitter. Take that online course you have been wanting to take. Finish your degree so maybe when the kids are all in school you can go to work like you have been considering.

Whatever it is that makes you feel like a human being, DO IT!

So what's the point of all of this? I'm not telling you to neglect your children. I'm not telling you to let them wear holey outfits while you get a manicure every couple of weeks. I'm telling you to find something that you enjoy: something to pamper yourself and make you feel like an independent human being and not like Cinderella before Prince Charming.

I know some moms don't have a spouse, they work outside of the home, and they are still as run down and neglected feeling as a mom who stays home with the kids. Make some friends and switch off babysitting once in a while. I'm not sure of your situation, but I bet you can find a way to sneak ten minutes in for yourself a few times a week.  I know some of what I am saying depends on others helping you, but remember that you never have to be alone in this world. It takes a village not just to raise a child, but to keep mommy sane!

Sometimes the best thing example we can set for our children is to take care of ourselves. How are we supposed to teach them that they need to take care of themselves if we neglect our own needs and wants?

Saving Sanity and Mom Guilt

Today is one of those terrible days where no matter what I try, R will not stop crying.

O and B loved the swing and the bouncer. R does not like either--ever. Today, R does not like anything. She doesn't like nursing or being held in my arms let alone the wrap. She has been crying off and on all morning since she woke at about 6 am. This is after a night of waking every hour and a half. Lord knows I feel like a failure enough because for some reason I cannot make my baby happy today. 

Do you know what the worst thing is? No matter what I do, I will feel guilty. The internet, I think, has made it worse on moms today. I can't put my almost-4 week old down and let her cry. Some people say it causes mistrust and brain damage. Don't want that to happen! So I hold her or try to appease her all day long. 

But what about my other two kids? They want my attention, too! My toddler, who will be 16 months old in 3 days, still wants to be held, cuddled, played with, and read to. My three year old keeps acting out more and more to get attention. I try my best, but with a baby in my arms or strapped to my chest, it's not easy to give either of my other two kids undivided attention when we are all home alone during the day. I feel trapped in the house because dragging three kids everywhere is a huge production involving strollers, strategically maneuvering in the car, and a floppy head that needs to be supported constantly. And Lord knows all anyone ever has is ADVICE. Here, try this. Do this. How about this? Your three year old is acting out? Clearly she needs more one-on-one time from the mom who is home alone and feels over-extended as is. The mom who missed breakfast and JUST ate lunch at 1pm, who needs the calories to make breast milk to feed the cranky infant, by the way. Oh and she hasn't brushed her teeth yet so if you do come over, stand down wind.

And oh, by the way, our mothers and grandmothers did the same thing that you are doing. How do you think they survived? If they can do it, so can you! Let's really lather on that mom-guilt to make you feel like you are inadequate. Also, they did this all while maintaining a nice house and making dinner each night. No matter that your grandmother is also the same person to tell you to put the baby down and let her cry because it will help them develop their lungs, which contradicts the research now that says your baby needs to trust you and you can't let them cry long by themselves. See where I am going with this? No matter what I do, some Mom-Nazi out there will think I'm doing it wrong. They'll have the solutions that will save my kids from any trauma I might cause them to suffer. They think I haven't thought of THIS solution, the one that will miraculously solve all of my problems. Oh and don't forget the kicker: "Enjoy this time, it's so short and one day you will miss it and regret not enjoying it more." 

For all of the solutions that other moms will offer, very few of them will offer a solution that involves me feeling like a human being. I look in the mirror and see a very tired, out of shape woman whose body has nourished and grown a human being, just to be left all used up. That's how I feel. Used up. Like a tube of toothpaste when you squeeze in the middle and it becomes lumpy and misshapen.

I know that I will survive. I know we will get in a routine and this time is fleeting. But until that point, I'm just slowly going to lose my sanity. It might take me a while to get it back.